The Choosing
Selena Thomason
The
events of "The Choosing" take place long before those of
"Verid."
There
was a chunk of flesh missing from my leg.
Mother would say I had no one to blame but myself, that it had been
folly to take a newly acquired form into a potentially dangerous
situation. She'd be right.
Human
form hadn't seemed fragile on Captain Reese. She seemed so strong and confident. It wasn't until the hungry Targk
attacked me that I realized how delicate human form is. As the Targk's claws tore into my skin
like it was paper, I couldn't help but wish I was still in Experimentation and
could transform into something more formidable. But I had chosen.
For good or bad, I had chosen human form and was stuck in it. At least the form is pliable enough to
squeeze into a fissure in the rockface and get mostly out of reach. I was grateful the Targk had only
managed to get a snack from me.
Although
Mother disapproved of my choice, Father was proud of it. He declared it "courageous"
and compared it to his mother's Choosing.
The comparison pleased me.
Her
name was Sofi and she was the ruler of Kedru before my father. At the time of her Choosing, she took
the form of the Krieg, a violent species unanimously despised by the other
inhabitants of the quadrant.
"It was a bold move," Father told me dozens of times,
"one that brought a great deal of knowledge and understanding to our
people." Before Sofi had
taken Kregan form no one had understood the overwhelming fear that the Krieg
felt concerning the scarcity of basic resources such as food. No one knew that the Krieg had nearly
been killed off by famine numerous times and had developed a certain paranoia
where resources were concerned.
This realization helped my people understand the Kregan predilection for
conquering world after world and acquiring more food and resources than their
people could conceivably use. It
allowed us to become the first species to establish diplomatic relations with the
Krieg. We are, in fact, still the
only species who trade peacefully with them.
My
form was demanding more of my attention.
I think it was actually beginning to die. I began to focus on my injuries, determining what the form
needed to survive. It was badly
damaged but not beyond repair. I
initiated a Healing Sleep. As I fell into the Sleep, a corner of my mind dreamt
absently about Captain Reese.
I
had encountered Reese while on Bremen visiting my brother. She was the leader of a small group of
strange aliens. They called
themselves humans. They had been
drawn unexpectedly through the Doorway and were from a far-off star system that
no one had heard of. I chose to
copy Reese's form because she struck me as remarkably Kedrin. Her top priority had always seemed to
be the safety and well-being of her crew.
Father often said that the ability to place the needs of your people
above your own was the mark of a true leader. Reese and her crew died on Bremen. I decided to take Reese's form and thereby enable it to
continue after her death.
Voices
further down in the caverns roused my mind closer to consciousness. Instinctively I called out to them, but
it only took a moment for me to remember that I couldn't move or speak while in
a Healing Sleep. I could force
myself back to full consciousness, but it's risky to stop a Healing once it's
begun. I was afraid that if I
pulled myself out of my Sleep I wouldn't have the strength left to induce
another one. All I could do was
listen as they approached and hope that they were friendlier than the Targk.
"Okay
people, we're looking for anything that might be edible."
I
recognized their language instantly and could barely contain my
excitement. More humans! It was unbelievable.
"Sensors
show a high level of organic material in these caves; let's hope that
translates to food." The
voice continued. "Jacoby and
Dyson, you take this tunnel.
Silva, you're with me."
I
could hear two voices mumbling, coming closer, but neither sounded like the
deep, authoritative voice I'd heard before. I couldn't help but wonder who they were and if they were
connected somehow to the humans I had encountered on Bremen. Had they come through the Doorway with
Reese and her crew? Were they
chasing the ones who came before?
Were they friends or enemies?
Were they even from the same planet or did these humans have an empire
that spanned several star systems?
I again lamented the fact that I'd had no opportunity to speak to Reese
and her crew and had managed only to observe them from a distance.
"Captain,
I've found something."
Startled out of my reverie, I realized that one of them was standing
right next to me. "You better
come see this."
I
cursed myself for not paying closer attention. But truthfully, in a Sleep what good would it have
done? In no time all four of them
were huddled over me, excitedly talking back and forth.
"She's
human!" I heard a woman's voice say.
I
marveled at how attached they were to physical descriptions and wondered if
they didn't find that this tendency misled them too often.
"It's
Captain Reese." Their leader
whispered, disbelief coloring his voice.
I
wanted to point out that this was a perfect example of how focusing on physical
descriptions can misled you.
"She's
badly injured, it looks like she was attacked by an animal," a different
voice said.
Stating
the obvious must be another human trait.
It went on like this for some time until the one with the authoritative
voice, the captain apparently, decided that they should get me out of the rocks
and take me back to their medical facility.
No! I wanted to scream that I was in no
shape to be moved, but there was no way to make them understand. As they pushed and pulled and dragged
me out from among the rocks, the pain came flooding back and my injuries began
to bleed again. It took all of my
concentration to sustain my form and I lost track of the world outside me.
When
I became aware again I was lying on a cold, narrow bed with a bright light
shining in my face. I had managed
to stabilize my condition. Another
day or so in the Healing Sleep and my form would be repaired enough to
function, assuming the humans didn't try to help me anymore.
Someone
was hovering over me saying, "It doesn't make any sense." He said it several times, as if the
repetition might solve the mystery.
"I don't understand it.
With wounds this extensive she should have bled to death. Look at this wound on her leg. There's an entire section of leg
missing. The flesh and muscle are
scooped out all the way down to the bone.
The blood can't clot an injury that large, yet it's not bleeding."
"It
was bleeding when we pulled her out from among the rocks," the captain
offered. I recognized his soft,
deep voice.
"But
it stopped without you doing anything to it?"
"Yes,
it had stopped by the time we got back to the shuttle and could put bandages on
it."
"There's
not a single drop of blood on those bandages."
"Doctor,
I don't understand what you're getting at."
"Just
that it doesn't make any sense.
She should be dead, but she's not." He paused, exhaling slowly and trying to calm himself. "And that's not the strangest
thing. Take a look at this. This is a scan from Captain Reese's
last physical. I got it from the
records in the Pilots Registry.
This, on the other hand, is a scan of our current patient. Do you see the difference?"
"Doctor
Navarre, you're the expert, why don't you just tell me what you've found."
"Reese's
medical records show that she has a congenital heart defect. When she was an infant, she had a
Cardioregulator surgically implanted into her heart so that it could function
normally. Her last medscan shows
the implant still in place. Our
current patient, on the other hand, has a perfectly normal, healthy heart,
something Tyler Reese never had and could not have acquired."
"Did
you verify her DNA?"
"Yes,
it matches Reese's exactly. The
only difference is that she doesn't have the surgical implant."
"Maybe,
Captain Reese had her heart defect repaired somehow."
"It's
possible I suppose, but I honestly don't see how. I know it seems strange, but despite appearances, I'm not
convinced that this is Captain Tyler Reese."
I
wanted to applaud the doctor's deduction, but was disappointed that it was
still based on physical evidence.
Can't humans recognize people by the sense and flavor of their minds?
"Who
else could it be?" the Captain asked.
"I
don't know."
"There
must be a logical explanation for all this."
"I'm
sure there is, but I'll be damned if I know what it might be. I could wake her. We could see what she has to say."
The
captain seemed to think this was a reasonable idea and told the doctor to
"give it a try."
I
was in a panic. I knew being
pulled out of my Sleep before I was ready would damage the healing. But I couldn't speak this far in.
Suddenly,
I sensed a shift in the captain's thinking, as if he has just remembered
something important. When the
doctor returned holding a small device, the captain said, "Wait. She clearly has a unique physiology,
one we don't completely understand.
What if forcing her awake would harm her somehow?"
I
was stunned. Had he heard me?
"It's
possible I suppose," the doctor admitted, "but we need answers."
"True,
but I can wait for them. I'm
willing to bet that she comes out of this on her own in the next day or
so. I can live with the mystery
for that long. Just keep an eye on
her and let me know as soon as she regains consciousness."
Then
the captain was gone. The doctor
retreated to the other side of the room.
He sat studying something on his desk and I could hear him periodically
mumbling variations of "it doesn't make any sense."
Later
that night, I was feeling stronger and decided to see what I could sense of the
people around me. My mind breezed
through the ship, brushing softly against the minds of the inhabitants, trying
to get a feel for them. Most of
them seemed to be sleeping. Their
subconscious minds were wandering through their thoughts, mixing images from
their waking lives with strange and exotic ones, rearranging the symbols and
engaging in a search for meaning.
It
struck me that I was surrounded by people vastly different from me. Our similarities were only superficial
ones; we looked alike, we had the same form. I tried reaching out to the minds around me but couldn't
communicate with anyone. These
people have no telepathy, I had to remind myself.
I
found the mind of the captain.
Sensing that his mind was particularly open, I tried slipping into his
dreams. It was surprisingly easy.
He
was dreaming of a lush green place with a stream meandering through it. I found him kneeling by the water
washing his face and drinking from his cupped hands. I stood next to him quietly waiting.
He
seemed to sense a presence beside him and turned to face me. "Captain Reese?" he asked
hesitantly.
"You
don't really believe that, do you?"
"I
don't know what to believe."
He hesitated a little at the strangeness of the setting, but finally
seemed to accept it as a dream.
"You're the woman we found in the caves."
"Yes."
"But
you're not Tyler Reese?"
"No." I stifled a laugh. This seemed so silly and childish. Couldn't he sense that I wasn't Reese? If he knew her, how could he mistake me
for her?
"But
you look just like her. You are
just like her, right down to the DNA, except for one thing—the heart
implant."
"Oh,
yes, the mechanical appliance in her chest. I found that it wasn't usual to your species, so I didn't
copy it. Apparently it was a
defect of some kind, peculiar to Reese.
Now don't you see how inaccurate it is to recognize people by their
physical appearance?"
"How
else would I...."
"By
the sense of people's minds, by who they are!" I realized that I was sounding arrogant and superior, and I
didn't like it. "I just don't
understand your people. Perhaps
you could explain humans to me.
Let me introduce myself, I am Zara of the Kedru."
"I'm
Captain Kyle Sinclair of the Space Force cruiser Prometheus." He extended his hand towards me and, remembering this
custom from Bremen, I shook it.
"I don't understand.
Am I still dreaming?"
"Yes." Now I was embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I realize that it's rude to place
myself in your dream, uninvited. I
just wanted to talk to you and I couldn't wait until I came out of my Healing
Sleep."
"You
mean the coma?"
"Yes. I suppose." I realized I had been
presumptuous. Dreams are a very
private thing after all. "I'm
sorry. I'll leave."
"No,
it's all right. Tell me how you
managed to find your way into my dreams."
I
was relieved, but confused by the odd question. "It was easy.
I was going through the ship, trying to get a sense of the minds that
were aboard, and... well, your mind seemed particularly open, so I just... sent
my thoughts to you."
"So,
you're telepathic?"
"Yes. With varying degrees of success,
depending on who I'm trying to communicate with. I wasn't aware that humans had any telepathic
abilities."
"We
don't."
"But
you heard me, in the hospital."
"I
didn't. Not really. I just felt a sudden sense of
panic."
"You
see. You're more telepathic than
you think."
Kyle
just smiled.
He
didn't seem to mind that I was there, so I knelt on the ground next to him and
scooped my hands into the water as he had done. "This is a very beautiful place. Where is it?"
"It's
back home, on Earth. I haven't
been there for a very long time."
"But
you think of it often?"
"Yes,
I guess I miss it, even though I would never admit it to anyone."
"You
just admitted it to me."
"But
this isn't real, it's just a dream."
"Kyle
Sinclair, you will find that dreams are real enough in their own way."
We
talked for a long while. I asked
him questions about humans. "Are
all your people's minds like yours?"
He didn't understand what I meant.
"So open," I explained, "so accepting of things that
can't be proven only experienced."
He said that he wasn't sure.
I suspected that his mind was special in this regard and not typical of
humans.
I
asked him about himself mostly, learning about the group through the
individual. Finally I sensed that
he was waking and I began withdrawing from his mind.
"Kyle,
when we meet again, on the outside, will you remember me?"
"Yes,"
he answered and I faded away.
I
was pleased by his response, more than I should have been, more than I thought
I'd be.
Waking,
I knew that he was among them.
Before opening my eyes, I extended a hand towards him and said,
"Kyle Sinclair, do you know who I am?"
"Yes,"
came his soft, low voice, "you are Zara of the Kedru."
I opened my eyes and smiled at him as he
took my hand. For a moment we
ignored the questions swelling up in the others and enjoyed the secret
knowledge that was shared between us.
It couldn't last.
I
began spending time with Kyle. It
seemed reasonable to start learning about the humans through their leader. I got his permission to stay on the
ship for a while.
Watching
Kyle with his crew, I noticed how different he was from Reese. He was quiet and tended towards
formality with his crew; Reese had been boisterous and very informal. I noticed that Kyle and his crew wore
uniforms. I didn't remember Reese
and her crew wearing any, so I asked Kyle about it.
"Captain
Reese was a private citizen. She
owned her ship and worked as a contractor. She wasn't a member of the Space Force, like I am, but we
hired her to run supplies to and from Earth's colonies. She was transporting food and materials
to Centauri Colony when her ship disappeared."
"Did
you know Captain Reese?"
"Only
in passing. She had been on the
Centauri-Mars run for nearly 10 years.
I met her a few times when I was stationed on Centauri Colony."
"So,
you and your crew belong to this Space Force?"
"Yes."
"What
is it?"
"Well,
my father would say it's a waste of time, something that takes much needed
personnel and resources away from Earth."
"But
you don't believe that."
"No. I don't. Space Force is part of the Space Exploration
Association," he explained.
"Its mission is to discover and colonize other worlds. Our future is among the stars, at least
that's what those of us out here believe." Sadness flashed in his eyes and he gazed out into the
stars. "Of course, I never
intended to bring my people out quite this far."
"Then
it was an accident."
"Oh,
yes."
I
found out that Kyle and his crew had been sent to the Centauri system to
investigate the disappearance of some ships, one of them being Captain
Reese's. While in sector J-17, a
wormhole appeared off their port bow.
They were too close to pull away and were drawn in. Once they were on the other side the
wormhole disappeared again and left them trapped many light years from home.
"I
have to find some way to get my people back home," Kyle said.
I
could see the burden of his people's welfare weighing on him, and it occurred
to me that his sense of duty was Kedrin.
He reminded me of my father.
"A good leader must place his people's needs above his
own." How many times had my
father told me this? I wondered
who had told it to Kyle. Maybe
humans and the Kedru aren't as different as they seem.
"Kyle,
tell me about your family."
"My
father is a politician—well, he would say a 'civil servant.' He's an undersecretary in the Bureau of
Earth Affairs. Government service
is kind of a family tradition, one I didn't follow. My father's never really forgiven me for that. He considers space exploration a waste
of time and resources. 'We've got
problems enough at home,' he says.
'We should put Earth first.'
That's what he believes. We
both think we're being loyal to Earth and acting in Earth's best interest. We just can't agree on what that
means."
One
day, I was asking Kyle about the place in his dreams and wished aloud that I
could see it.
"I
can show you the next best thing," he replied.
He
took me to a door that looked like any other, but when it opened I could see
trees and lush green grass.
Somehow they had managed to bring a piece of Earth with them.
"It's
amazing. What is it?"
"It's
called an arboretum. We take seeds
and plants from Earth and grow them here.
It gives us a taste of home that we can carry with us."
We
walked among the trees and finally sat in the soft grass of a small clearing.
The
setting must have sparked something in Kyle's mind because he stared longingly
out into the trees and began talking of home.
"In
the woods near my family's house, there was a clearing much like this
one—thick grass and a long, gentle hill. I used to lie there, gazing up at the stars and wondering
what it would be like to be out there among them. I would look up and imagine other worlds circling around the
stars, and other people living on those worlds. I would wonder what they would be like, how they would
live." Kyle laughed and shook
his head. "But nowhere in all
my wild imaginings, did I imagine you."
I
decided to try some human cuisine.
Kyle spoke often of something called potato soup. He said it was his favorite food. So, I went to where the crew gathered
for meals and asked the cook for some potato soup.
It
turned out to be a thick white liquid that steamed in its bowl. I used the tool to raise some of it to
my mouth to taste it, but the liquid burned my lips. It hurt. I
couldn't understand why Kyle would prefer a food that caused pain.
Just
then, Kyle came in.
"What
have you got there?" He asked
as he sat down.
"Potato
soup."
"My
favorite."
"Would
you like the rest? I just wanted
to taste it." I pushed the
bowl of punishing soup toward him.
"Oh
no! Finish it. It's good for you. I'll get my own." He motioned to the cook. "Hey, Charlie, one for me too, if
you don't mind. So, what do you
think of the soup?"
"I
don't know. It's a little odd at
first."
The
cook sat a bowl of potato soup in front of Kyle. I watched as he carefully blew on the spoonful of soup
before he ate it. This was a
ritual I had never seen before.
But it made sense. I
imitated him and found that the soup was indeed flavorful and strangely
comforting once it had cooled a bit.
"Kyle,
I've been watching the people on board.
Your people choose mates, don't they?" He nodded, but didn't look up from his soup. "I was just wondering if you were
bonded already or if you hadn't yet chosen a mate."
He
looked up at me and was silent for a moment. "I haven't chosen yet." He smiled.
"Maybe I've just been waiting for the right person to come
along."
We
ate the rest of our soup in a happy silence full of possibilities.
After
that I began spending a lot of time with Kyle Sinclair. I told myself that I was just doing my
duty as a Kedru and learning about another species. I even believed it in the beginning.
I
found Kyle one afternoon standing in the Observation Lounge gazing out at the
stars. I came in and stood next to
him without saying a word. He knew
I was there, but remained silent for a while. Finally he said, "I don't recognize any of these
stars. There's so many of them
that they blur together into clusters.
I couldn't pick out the constellations even if I knew what they
were."
"We're
close to the center of the galaxy here.
The star systems are much denser than where you're from."
"Zara,"
he said slowly, "it's so far."
I
could feel how sad he was and wanted to change the subject. There was something I'd been meaning to
ask him anyway. "Kyle,
physical appearance is very important to humans, isn't it?"
"It
varies. It's more important to
some people, less important to others."
"Well,
what do your people consider attractive?
I mean, I don't know anything about human standards of beauty? What do humans consider
beautiful?"
He
turned to look at me and I thought I saw a smile playing behind his eyes. "Humans believe that beauty is in
the eye of the beholder."
"So,
everyone defines beauty differently?"
"Yes."
I
could see that he wasn't going to make this easy for me. "Well, what kind of woman do you
consider beautiful?"
"I'm
not attracted to any particular kind of woman. It just depends."
I
couldn't tell for sure if he was toying with me or just avoiding the
subject. I took a deep breath and
dove right in, "Kyle, would you say that you were attracted to women
who... well, women who looked like... well, like me, for instance?" I was too nervous to look at him.
"No,
I wouldn't say that I was attracted to women who looked like you." His voice was soft and gentle, but his
words made me feel like a fool.
"However, I would say that I am attracted to you,
specifically."
When
I looked up at him, he was smiling.
"Do you think I'm beautiful?"
"Zara,
you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met." Kyle extended his hand towards me and
ran his fingers through my hair.
Then he bent over and placed his mouth gently on mine for a moment.
Suddenly,
I felt disoriented and frightened and happy all at the same time. "What was that?" I asked.
Kyle
laughed. "It's called a
kiss."
I
was shaken and having trouble breathing.
"It's wonderful. It
feels like flying. Can we do it
again?"
"As
often as you like," he replied, and kissed me again.
It
lasted longer this time and I could feel the soft wetness of his lips on
mine. I became afraid and pulled
away. "Something's
wrong," I stammered.
"What
is it?"
"I'm
having trouble maintaining my form's equilibrium. I can't get its systems to function properly."
Kyle
didn't seem worried. "Your
heart's racing. You're short of
breath. You feel shaky and a
little dizzy."
"Yes,
how do you...."
"I
feel the same way. I've just
learned to hide it better than you."
"It's
normal then?"
"It
is when two people feel strongly about each other." Kyle placed his arm around me and drew
me close to him. We stood there
looking out at the stars, and I marveled at how something physical could have
such a profound mental and emotional effect. My people would never believe this.
As
the days wore on, the problem of getting his people home weighed more and more
heavily on Kyle's mind. I could
see that he was getting desperate and beginning to blame himself for failing
his people.
"If
we can find the wormhole again, we'll go back through," he told me.
"But
there's no way to know where the Doorway will take you," I argued. "You may end up even further away
from home."
"It's
a risk, I know, but one I'm willing to take."
"Legend
has it that the Doorway has a mind of its own and that it shuffles people
around the universe for its own purposes.
Maybe it brought you here so that you could learn about life in this
part of the galaxy, or so that we could learn about you. Now that we've made contact, maybe it
will smile on you and take you home."
I
had meant it as a happy thought, but the sadness of it crept up on me as I
considered the possibility of Kyle returning home. Earth is very far away. Even Kedrin mates couldn't stay bonded over that great a
distance. The telepathic link
between Kedru could remain strong over one light year, maybe two, but
thousands? It was impossible. Even couples that have been bonded for
several centuries couldn't stay connected that far apart.
I
always envied the connection between my parents. They never spoke aloud to one another. They had been in constant telepathic
communication since the day they were bonded. There's an old saying among the Kedru that only newlyweds
need to sleep together. I don't
think my parents ever had to sleep in the same room. Their connection was so strong that even in the beginning
they could dream in unison, no matter where their physical bodies were.
Just
watching them as they went about their daily business I could tell that they
were always aware of each other's thoughts and feelings. I remember how sometimes I'd be in the
Great Hall with my Father and he would suddenly smile then turn to me and say
"your mother wants you in the garden."
I
can remember watching them and thinking—I want that, I want to share my
mind with someone and never be alone again. I remember asking my mother how she knew that Father was the
right mate for her. Mother said
that when you met your true mate you know because your minds would fit together
as if their natural state were to be intertwined.
This
thought came to me one day when Kyle and I were in the arboretum. We were lying on the grass looking up
at a simulated sky. My head was on
his shoulder and his arm was around me.
Our hands were cupped one inside the other, his warm palm against the
back of my hand. Seeing our
fingers intertwined like that I thought of what Mother had told me about
choosing your mate. Suddenly I
understood what she meant.
Mother
wouldn't approve of the physical metaphor of course. In fact, she'd be appalled by it. Love is not physical.
That sort of thing is for monoforms. Kedru choose a mate based on the quality of the person's
mind and how well it fits in with their own. Kedru don't even consider physical form. Your mind defines you, not your
form. These are all ideas that I
grew up with, heard over and over throughout my life.
These
ideas are part of the Kedrin way, Mother would remind me, and I'd have to admit
that it was true. But what Mother
doesn't understand and could never know is the feeling of being encircled in
her beloved's arms. Being with
Kyle made me realize that physical closeness only enhances the bond between
mates and that it even has a pleasure all its own.
My
mind was reeling. I couldn't
believe that I was really considering choosing a mate who was not Kedru, who
was instead a monoform! Aunt
Isabeau would be proud, but everyone else would be horrified. The scandal of a member of the royal
family doing such a thing! It was
unthinkable.
Then
I thought that maybe I just wouldn't choose a mate at all. I'd be like my father's friend Krous
who is nearly 800 and still hasn't chosen a mate. "It is tragic to be alone," he told me once,
"but not so tragic as being bonded to someone unsuitable."
Unsuitable. Every Kedru I've met so far has been
unsuitable. I liked some of them
well enough, but I never felt like I could share my mind with any of them for
the rest of my life. Then there's
Kyle Sinclair, a human. Why should
it seem so easy to share my mind and my life with him? Could we even have the kind of
telepathic bond Kedrin mates enjoy?
Would we ever be able to dream in unison? There's no way to know. Could I live without these things in exchange for the feel
of his fingers laced in mine?
It's
a question I'd have to find an answer to soon. He's asked me to stay with him aboard the Prometheus and although I hate the thought
of being so far away from home, the thought of being far away from Kyle hurts
more. Besides, there's plenty of
time to be on Kedru. If I'm going
to be with Kyle, it must be now. I
learned on Bremen that humans have an unbearably short life span, barely over
100 years. If it is to be at all,
it must be now.
But
what will my family think? I could
say that I was doing this to learn more about the humans, but would anyone
believe me?
I
lay there in the cool grass, listening to Kyle breathe and feeling his chest
rise and fall, and I tried to count the cost. Either way, it was pretty high.
I
decided to stay. I told Kyle that
I must return home first to see my family and explain it to them. Kedru is not so far from where they
found me so Kyle agreed to take his ship and crew on a minor detour.
I
was calm until I actually got there.
Then all my fears and doubts came crashing down on me.
Ever-faithful
Jareth met our shuttle.
"Jareth,
where is everyone?"
"Princess
Zara, welcome home." Always a
stickler for tradition, Jareth bowed.
The deference seemed ridiculous to me considering he had taken care of
me since I was a child, but Jareth seemed to prefer things this way so I went
along with it. "His majesty
is in Aquila meeting with the city's representatives. He is expected to return tomorrow. The Queen is on Bremen, visiting your brother. She has not yet decided when she will
be returning home."
"Thank
you." I motioned to Kyle who
was standing next to me.
"Jareth, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Captain Kyle Sinclair
of Earth."
"Pleased
to meet you," Kyle said. He
extended his hand instinctively but hesitated because he couldn't find anything
resembling a hand in Jareth's mostly gaseous form.
Jareth,
not knowing what to make of this gesture, ignored it. "A monoform.
How nice." Turning his
attention back to me, he added, "Your majesty, would you like me to show
you to your quarters?"
"No
thank you, I know the way. Please
let me know when Father returns."
"As
you wish. If you'll excuse me, I
have other matters to attend to."
"Of
course." Thus
dismissed, Jareth blew back into the Palace as quickly and quietly as always.
"What
is he?" I heard Kyle whisper
beside me.
"He's
my father's Chief of Staff."
"No,
I mean what species is he?"
Confused
by the question, I stammered, "Well, he's Kedru of course."
"No,
I mean what's his..." he hesitated, searching for the right word,
"his form."
"Oh! It's Velusian. They're a mostly gaseous species who
live in the atmosphere of Velus 3.
Jareth's adapted the form somewhat to allow for vocal communication and
the differences between Velusian and Kedrin atmosphere. Still, it's essentially the same. Actually, it's a very freeing
form. I remember when I tried it,
I spread myself out as far as I could, almost to the point where my form would
lose cohesion, and it was like being everywhere at once. It was wonderful. I understood then why Jareth chose
it."
"It
must be strange to have everyone be so different."
"But
they aren't different. They're all
Kedru. Only their forms are
different. And forms are surface,
appearances, not who we are. Come
on, let's go in. I want to show
you the Great Hall."
"Where
is the human?" Jareth appeared behind me in the mirror. He had entered quietly, slipping in
before I had even noticed him.
"He
is still asleep."
"I
see. Your father has
returned. He is meeting with the
ministers regarding his trip to Aquila and will see you later in the
morning."
"That
will be fine."
"What
is that colorful piece of fabric you are wearing? I understand that humans cover their forms with cloth in most
settings, but this piece does not appear to have any function."
"It's
a scarf," I answered, still fiddling with it in the mirror, trying to get
it to look right. "I guess it
doesn't really have a function.
It's just decorative."
"Then
it is not an essential part of the human form?"
"No."
"I
see." He was silent a moment,
apparently assimilating this tidbit and determining how best to proceed. "Then why wear it here? You are home. You are not among the humans." I only shrugged in response. "What is there to be learned by
wearing it here?" he pressed on.
"Nothing,
I suppose. I just like it. The fabric feels soft against my
skin."
"You
like the way it feels?"
"Well,
yes," I replied, quickly trying to determine what I had said that
warranted Jareth's disbelief.
"But
it is only a physical thing."
He was close behind me now, as if the proximity might clear up the
misunderstanding.
"That
doesn't diminish its value."
"It
should... for a Kedru."
Jareth was plainly shocked and I tried to think of a way to minimize the
effect.
"Besides,
it was a gift."
"From
the human."
Realizing
suddenly that this may not have been the best tactic, I had to admit
"Yes."
I
saw Jareth's features begin to curl into a disdainful frown. "It is not the way of the
Kedru," he said, attempting to sound as neutral and matter-of-fact as
possible. "Some people, those
who don't know you as well as I do, may question your judgment in getting so
personally involved in the social mores of monoforms. Kedru learn from copying the forms of other species, they do
not become members of those cultures."
"Jareth,
I don't care what people think."
"Of
course. Still, it is something you
should be aware of and it is my duty to bring such matters to your
attention. If you'll excuse
me..." He concluded and left
without awaiting my response.
Kyle
and I were walking in the garden when I felt it. A cry of grief and anger pierced my mind and scattered all
other thoughts.
"Father," I cried out but there was no answer. I turned to Kyle and grabbing his arm,
dragged him back towards the Palace.
"Something's terribly wrong."
Jareth
met me in the doorway.
"What's
happened?" I demanded.
"Your
mother and brother have been killed in an explosion."
"What?"
"The
Krieg have attacked the Bremen.
The Queen and Prince Alrich were in the capital city when it was
destroyed."
"The
Krieg did this?"
"Yes,"
Jareth replied, much too calmly.
"They
are supposed to be our allies."
"True,
but they are not the Bremen's allies."
"But
it wasn't just the Bremen they killed.
It was two members of our royal family, of my family."
"The
Krieg had no way of knowing that there were Kedru on Bremen."
"Maybe
Sofi was wrong. Maybe we should
have destroyed them when we realized how vicious they were."
Jareth's
calm demeanor was replaced with shock.
"What?"
I
tried to make up for it by suggesting that we could at least have encouraged
them to change their ways.
It
didn't work. Jareth was still
appalled to hear a member of the royal family speaking such blasphemy. "It is not our place to meddle in
the affairs of other cultures, only to learn about and understand them."
"And
look at what all our tolerance and understanding have cost us, what it has cost
me?"
I
was horrified by the selfish thought I had just given voice to, but Jareth let
it go unchallenged, presumably attributing my outburst to the extreme
circumstances and my understandable grief.
Once
I was calm, I suggested that we bring the matter to the attention of the
Krieg. "They should know the
full consequences of what they have done."
"They
will say that the Kedru should not have been there, that they knew the risk
involved in being on Bremen. I
doubt that we can change a mindset forged by millennia of experience."
"Jareth,
we've got to try. We've got to
find some way to convince them that there are enough resources, that their
species can survive without destroying everyone else."
"Perhaps
that will be your great service to the Kedru when you become ruler."
Suddenly
I realized that my time would now come a lot sooner that I had planned.
"I
have to see Father." I rushed
into the palace, leaving Kyle and Jareth to follow behind me.
When
I entered the Great Hall, there was only my father, sitting on his throne at
the far end. He was hunched over
and sobbing shamelessly. I had
never seen him like this and the sight filled me with dread.
I
ran to him and he embraced me.
"My precious daughter, all that is left to me."
"Father,
are you sure? Are they really
gone?" It was a dumb question
and I knew it, but part of me still hoped that there was some mistake.
"She's
gone. They're both gone. My mind is so empty. The silence. I never expected it to be so quiet. So lonely. So deadly quiet."
"Father
please. It'll be alright."
Kyle
and Jareth had caught up to me by now and while Jareth remained at a distance,
Kyle came directly to my side, trying to comfort me with his presence.
Father
saw him and the look on his face hardened. "You are the human I have heard about?" He demanded.
"Yes,
I'm..." Kyle started to say.
I
interrupted him, "Father, this is Captain Kyle Sinclair. I brought him to meet you because I've
chosen -"
"I
know what you've chosen," he growled at me. Suddenly he reached out with a scaly claw and grabbed Kyle's
arm. I don't think he realized
that he was hurting Kyle, but I saw small drops of blood begin to seep out of
his vulnerable human skin.
"Do you love my daughter?" He demanded.
Kyle
hesitated, stunned by the force of my father's manner.
"Father,
please." I pleaded, trying to
get him to let go.
"Do
you love her?" he demanded
again, tightening his grip.
"Yes
sir, I do. I love her."
Father
peered into Kyle's eyes for a moment then appeared satisfied that he was
telling the truth and loosened his grip.
"Then you must leave her now."
"What?" Kyle stammered.
"Father,
please don't."
"Leave
her now while it won't hurt too badly.
Years from now it will destroy her. You don't understand.
You can't possibly know what it's like. You must leave her now before she becomes accustomed to the
sound of your thoughts in her mind, before she can feel everything you
feel. You must leave her now! Promise me. Promise me you will!" In desperation he had tighten his grip again and Kyle's face
could no longer hide the pain.
"Father,
stop it!" I screamed. "You're hurting him!"
Finally,
he seemed to realize what he was doing and let go. "Think about what I've said, human." He sank back into his chair. "Leave me, I am in a grief that
none of you can possibly understand."
He
was right and I knew it, so Kyle and I withdrew from the Great Hall. I knew that losing a mate was
considered to be an inconsolable, unbearable grief. Every Kedru knew that.
But I never thought I'd actually see it.
We
have such control over the inner working of our forms that we can cure any
disease and heal most injuries.
This kind of sudden, unexpected death is practically unheard of. Certainly people die, but only after
they've lived a full life and have begun to tire of the physical world. Upon approaching 1000, Kedrin couples
will choose to die together rather than risk one dying before the other, thus
leaving the survivor in such grief.
They simply cease to sustain their physical forms, allowing the forms to
die and thus releasing their minds into the Next Phase. I was afraid of what my father would do
now that his mate was gone.
"What
was that all about?" Kyle's
voice broke into my thoughts.
I
couldn't face talking about it so I made an excuse about needing to be alone for
a while. Thankfully he agreed and
I went back into the garden alone.
Jareth
came out into the garden a little while later to tell me what I already knew,
that my father in his grief had chosen not to sustain his physical form any
longer. His form was dead and he
was gone.
"You
are all that is left of the royal family." Jareth informed me.
"I
know," I replied and that was all that needed to be said.
"I'll
make the arrangements," Jareth concluded and left me alone again with my
thoughts.
It
all happened so fast, I kept thinking.
How could my world be completely rearranged so quickly? "How could my father do this to
me?" I yelled at the trees.
It was a selfish and evil thing to say and I was glad no one had heard
me.
This
is not my time. It's not
fair. Father was supposed to rule
for centuries longer. Then my
brother would rule, then me. I had
plenty of time. Plenty of time, I
thought, to live a life with Kyle.
Plenty of time. Not
anymore.
Jareth
will be arranging the Ceremony of Service for as soon as possible, tomorrow
probably. In such a time of chaos
and turmoil, the Kedrin people need a strong leader to reassure them. It's going to have to be me. There is no one else left.
My
family has ruled Kedru for longer than anyone can remember, far back into the
days before histories were kept.
Who am I to turn my back on them now? What kind of a leader would I be if I didn't place the needs
of my people above my own?
I
sensed Kyle coming into the garden and I could feel the end approaching.
"Zara,
I'm sorry to hear about your father."
I
couldn't answer him.
"I've
been talking to Jareth about Kedrin culture and I want to ask you a few
things."
I
could feel the turmoil coming off of him like heat in the summer, but I tried
not to acknowledge it, hoping the dread would go away.
"You
know that I'll tell you anything," I said finally. "What do you want to know?"
"Zara,
is your father's reaction to the death of his mate unusual?"
"I
don't know what you mean," I heard myself lie.
"Would
his reaction to his mate's death be considered extreme or out of the
ordinary?"
"It's
tragic." I braved a look up
at his face and saw that he knew I was holding back. "But it's not unusual." I turned and walked away a little, hoping it was over. It wasn't.
"Zara,
what is the life expectancy of a Kedru?"
That
stopped me. He wouldn't have asked
if he didn't already know. I could
see where he was going with this and it wasn't a destination I cherished. "What does it matter?"
"I'm
asking you."
I
couldn't stand here and refuse to answer.
I couldn't hide from my mate.
Every piece of me knew that it wouldn't be right. It would go against everything I'd been
taught, everything I believed. So,
I drew up my courage and answered him.
"About a thousand of your human years."
"So,
even in a best case scenario, you would outlive me by several
centuries." I didn't answer
him, but he didn't need me to.
"No wonder your father begged me to leave you. He knew what kind of grief you were
setting yourself up for, even if I didn't know." He started for the door and I didn't know of anything to say
that would be able to stop him. He
paused in the doorway to ask, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"It
didn't seem important at the time," was all I could think of to say.
"With
your father dead, you'll have to take his place as ruler, won't you?"
"It's
my duty."
"Can't
someone else?"
"No." I was silent for a moment while I tried
to find the courage, my father's courage, to do my duty at the expense of
myself. "I can't go with
you. I'm sorry."
"I
understand. It's probably just as
well, considering. I couldn't
offer you much of a life, by Kedrin standards."
"Kyle,
don't say that. It's not
true." It hurt me somehow to hear him talk that way about what could have
been our future.
"Goodbye
Zara. I hope you have a long and
happy life."
I
knew he had turned to go, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him, fearing
that the sight of him would shatter my sense of duty.
"Kyle,
if we meet again, in your dreams perhaps, will you remember me?"
"Yes,"
I heard his soft, low voice whisper, "you are Zara, my beloved."
By
the time I felt strong enough to look up at him, he was gone.
I
stood on the balcony, looking out into the city as night descended upon
it. I watched the people coming
and going about their lives, returning home at the end of the day. They were my responsibility now. These were the people I must serve and
protect with my life. I don't
resent it exactly. It has always
been the duty of my family to serve.
There was just so much else I wanted to experience before it would be my
turn.
I'm
complaining about my duty and Father would have hated that. If he were here he'd be terribly
disappointed in me.
Jareth
appeared at my shoulder.
"Zara,
ruler of Kedru, what would you have done?"
"Jareth,
I want you to halt all trade with the Krieg."
"But,
the Lethium industry relies so heavily -"
"I
know what it will cost, just do it."
"Of
course."
"Also,
contact the Kregan premier. Tell him I want
a meeting with him immediately and that until we've come to an agreement that
satisfies me, there will be no further trade or diplomatic relations between
our peoples."
"I
will take care of it." Jareth
hesitated at the door. "Your
majesty, what did you learn from your time among the humans?" He asked me this without a trace of
bitterness or irony.
I
wondered if he really wanted an honest answer. Would Jareth understand the lesson that there is value and
pleasure in physical bodies and experiences? How could I tell him that even now I longed to hear the
beating of Kyle's heart and feel his breath on my cheek? What would he say if he knew how close
I had come to turning my back on my people and my duty, just to stay by Kyle's
side for a minuscule seventy years or so?
What would any of my people say?
They would say I'd gone mad.
Finally,
I answered like the Kedrin leader I was supposed to be. "I learned that I am not one of
them and that I can never be."
I knew this was the answer Jareth was looking for.
Thus
satisfied and reassured, Jareth went off to attend to other, more pressing
matters of state. I gazed up at
the stars and wondered which one shone on the lush green land of Kyle's dreams. Would either of us ever see it again?
Selena Thomason writes mostly science fiction, but
sometimes feels called to other forms and genres. Although she holds a B.A. in
Drama, writing continues to be her first love.
Cover: "Science Station Alpha 1"
Bill Snodgrass
Copyright 2005
